Irish We Were Good: A satirical USC vs. Notre Dame game preview

After a bye week, USC will try to regroup as they head to South Bend to face off against Notre Dame. Time for a satirical look at the matchup.

Welcome back from the bye week! Did you enjoy your weekend without the misery that comes from watching USC football? Good, because Clay Helton will make sure that happiness is squashed as soon as possible. If I had to make a prediction I would say you’ll start to feel the sadness again at precisely 4:31 p.m. Pacific on October 12, 2019.

What did the Trojans do with their week off? Did they work on their mistakes? Did they get more disciplined? Did they take a page out of Ohio State’s playbook and start running live tackling drills in hopes of improving their defense? Or did they not make a single change and actually ended practices early under the ruse of “getting our players rest”?

It’s hilarious that all of USC’s problems probably boil down to the fact that Clay Helton doesn’t know how to run a practice.

USC doesn’t run live practices during the season (no certainty that they actually run them in the offseason either). The practices during the season seem to be just a glorified walk-through. There’s no way to get better when the only live action the players have is on Saturdays. Iron sharpens iron but the Trojans right now are just a block of metal.

The players that aren’t injured don’t need extra rest. They’re 18 to 22 years old. They are in the best shape they will ever be in their lives. Clay Helton treats this team like they all work a double shift at the steel mill.

How is it that 129 other FBS schools seem to be able to make it to the end of the season with their teams intact but USC seems to lose half their scholarship players by Week 6? It’s either a toughness issue or the training staff was previously employed by Theranos.

Either way, it’s pretty indicative of the lame duck in charge of this program right now. Guess there’s two coaches that fit that BILL in Los Angeles.

Am I beating a dead horse with the incessant Clay Helton hate? Yes, but I don’t care!

This team has been stuck on a loop for the last two years. At this point, I am just rewriting the same thing every week waiting for something to change. These previews and recaps are starting to feel like the last couple seasons of a hit sitcom. No new jokes. Just playing the hits.

To the Clay Helton defenders, which apparently there are many: Get a grip and get off this sinking ship with some dignity.

When posting his latest hot seat rankings, Dennis Dodd of CBS Sports said he was “really getting tired of typing Clay Helton’s name. The man deserves better.” There is no way Dennis Dodd has watched USC play in the last five years.

Deserves better? He made a career (and millions of dollars) out of being at the right place at the right time. The workplace equivalent to his situation would be the custodian who has been employed at a company for over 20 years being named CEO only because everyone above him quit or got fired. That’s what the Trojans have right now: A janitor running their Fortune 500 company into the ground.

It’s an URBAN legend that Clay Helton could ever improve, so let’s hope this is his last week and USC can finally hire Meyer.