Home Sweet Homecoming: A satirical USC vs. Arizona game preview

Matthew Stockman/Getty Images
Matthew Stockman/Getty Images /
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Matthew Stockman/Getty Images
Matthew Stockman/Getty Images /

Arizona Preview


I predicted it in last week’s column that this is exactly what Clay Helton would proclaim after the loss to Notre Dame. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Especially an old dog with a multi-million dollar buyout. That buys a lot of kibble.

Are you excited to see how USC loses its path to a Pac-12 Championship?

Because I don’t think any fans are!

I can’t imagine the reason USC is sending every alumni with a functional email address a deal for 20 percent off tickets to this week’s game.

People usually plan their trip back to USC for Homecoming months ahead. The fact that USC is having a fire sale on tickets less than a week before kickoff shows that fans either punted on this season before it started and are staying home, or think their limited time back in Los Angeles is better spent with their friends and love ones instead of tens of thousands of miserable fans watching the Trojans try to hold onto to their first half lead in the fourth quarter.

The Positives For USC

  • No one is more excited to be back home in the Coliseum than the USC coaching staff. Traveler must be Clay Helton’s emotional support animal.
  • Slovis can sling it. Not quite super, but definitely not subpar.
  • First time in over a month there isn’t a number next to the opponent USC is playing.
  • USC is favored by double digits, so you can fade the Trojans and be able to come out with a victory AND some cash.
  • Arizona’s defense is somehow worse than USC’s, so expect a lot of points Saturday.

The Negatives For USC

  • Khalil Tate still exists and if there’s something he’s good at, it is evading Trojan arm tackles. USC better wrap up and wear that Trojan so you don’t get the “I think I’m Tate” text.
  • Arizona’s offense is ranked ninth nationally and, as of Wednesday, USC’s top four cornerbacks, top defensive end, and starting linebacker were all watching practice. What does an Air Raid do to a city that is already turned to rubble?
  • With Vavae Malepeai out (and Tyler Vaughns and Josh Falo questionable), Markese will need to Stepp it up and reestablish the Trojan running game this Saturday.
  • The Trojans have more injuries than a hospital emergency room on Fourth of July.
  • The refs have already awarded Arizona a touchdown to start the game and two unsportsmanlike penalties on USC whenever the Wildcats choose. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

It feels like forever since USC had a win. Since it doesn’t seem like the interim AD is going to fire Helton anytime soon, the very least the Trojans can do is make the best out of a bad situation.

It’s wild to think they can still technically win the Pac-12. This season has felt like it was over before it even started and after two demoralizing losses on the road, the Trojans can still make it to the Rose Bowl in January. Although, that would probably mean another year of Clay.

USC should win. Key word: SHOULD.

They’re favored by nine points at home. Good teams win, great teams cover. So expect USC to win by less than a touchdown.

Let’s hope this homecoming isn’t a home drubbing.

USC 38, Arizona 35

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