Home Sweet Homecoming: A satirical USC vs. Arizona game preview

Matthew Stockman/Getty Images
Matthew Stockman/Getty Images /
1 of 3
Alicia de Artola/Reign of Troy
Alicia de Artola/Reign of Troy /

Yet another loss. Let’s hope homecoming is different. Time for a satirical recap of the matchup between the USC Trojans and the Arizona Wildcats.

INJURY REPORT. Gaoteote Likely Out

Maybe Clay Helton isn’t getting fired because USC doesn’t have a full time athletic director.

Maybe Clay Helton isn’t getting fired because the most tenured person on the coaching staff besides him is producing THIS kind of defense.

This defense couldn’t stop a nosebleed if it had a hospital supply of gauze. The only tackle the front seven is familiar with gets brought on fishing trips.

The Helton bashing will be somewhat subdued this week, mostly due to a combination of apathy towards this season and the fact I thought he’d be fired by now, emptying the clip of my hatred towards him the last three weeks.

Don’t worry, a lot of people on Twitter dot com picked up my slack. Sometimes the website is good. Mostly never, but sometimes.

Yes, I am pasting tweets into this week’s article in lieu of original content. If the coaching staff can mail it in, so can I.

Remember when Clay Helton said if USC can eliminate critical errors to “watch out” because this team could do something special? If you had a child when the streak above started, he’d be turning two in a couple months. If you keep “watching out”, he’ll be all grown up and at college by the time the Trojans turn this around.

I always think the most hilarious thing about the Sam Darnold being the only redeemable part of Clay Helton’s career is that Helton didn’t even believe in him enough initially to name him the starting quarterback for the season opener against Alabama in 2016.

Maybe it was a lack of confidence. Maybe it was an inability to judge talent. Either way, fans should have known USC had a problem with Helton right off the bat when the best quarterback USC has had in the last 15 years was holding the clipboard for the first three weeks of the season.

Too bad Darnold can’t “erase” Helton off of the USC coaching staff.