Book of Trojan: A satirical USC vs. BYU game preview

Amon-Ra St. Brown will continue to be a star for USC football. (Jayne Kamin-Oncea/Getty Images
Amon-Ra St. Brown will continue to be a star for USC football. (Jayne Kamin-Oncea/Getty Images
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Jayne Kamin-Oncea/Getty Images
Jayne Kamin-Oncea/Getty Images

Stanford Recap

All the signs of a typical USC-Stanford game were there in the first quarter. Drives stalled in the red zone. Stupid turnovers. Everything breaking the wrong way and breaking fast. It caused me to make a very accurate (and very dramatic) analogy for being a USC fan: It is what I imagine being a parent of a son who’s addicted to drugs or fallen on bad times.

He was top of his class in high school, but then he got involved with the wrong guys. Guys with names like Lloyd. These guys were offering your son so many great things, but they weren’t exactly on the up and up or “legal.” Eventually, the police caught wind of this whole racket, and even though your child did nothing wrong, Lloyd confessed to the cops and your son went to jail for a couple of years. When he got out, he did get a degree from community college, but that was only a temporary improvement as he kept falling in and out of jobs. You’re starting to lose all hope, and as much as you want to you can’t give up on him!

This last week you saw something different in him. Maybe he will end up just fine. Or maybe he will end up being an embarrassment to your whole family.

Like I said, very dramatic.

To say I was shocked with how this game progressed would be an understatement. So shocked I couldn’t even appreciate that USC beat Stanford. If you don’t understand from my previous work, I hate Stanford more than any school on Earth.

More than Notre Dame. More than UCLA.

All I could do is sit there and watch USC score THIRTY-FIVE UNANSWERED POINTS. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, but instead that foot was too busy roadhouse kicking the Cardinal in the chestnut. Timber!

*Looks at list of USC quarterbacks from last week’s article*

*Looks at Kedon Slovis’ statline*

*Starts getting light-headed and dizzy*

Some Random Observations From The Game

  1. I will not be calling Kedon Slovis “King Kedon” or “Super Slovis” until I see him perform like last Saturday one (1) more time. I hope I do, because those are some incredible nicknames. Right now I call him “Kedon Clovis,” because I don’t know if last game was all luck.
  2. If he does do it one more time, it might be time to start imagining how JT Daniels will look in Lincoln Riley’s offense.
  3. Even if he does it one more time, or two more times, or three more times, don’t you dare compare him to Sam Darnold. What’s a king to a god?
  4. Props to the defense. In the first half, they were getting beat on every jump ball, but eventually the secondary learned how to stop the starting power forward and center of the Stanford men’s basketball team. Their height usually helps them score on and off the field, but after that game, they definitely had extra incentive to check their Tinder accounts.
  5. Less than ten touches for Stephen Carr AGAIN. Clay Helton knows he not going to hold out like Le’Veon Bell next season, right?
  6. The Trojans have a Drake on defense AND offense and both of them have been tearing up the deGRASSi this season.

Final Thought

If you asked me to predict this game a hundred times, 45-20 would have never even crossed my mind. This is still the same exact team as last year, because if you think you have a gauge on them, you’re completely wrong. It’s like they shake an 8-ball that only contains random football outcomes before exiting the tunnel.

With the Lynn Swann resignation, the heat on Clay Helton’s seat could not be hotter. Yes, only a person with half a brain would think he is the right coach for the job. As of Tuesday, that half-brained person is no longer employed by the university.

Are my (and the rest of the fan base) cries for Clay to be fired a lot softer this week than last? Of course. We’re football fans, not rational people. Nothing is more of a show-me league than the NCAA (unless you have email and text exchanges between a Trojan athlete and a potential agent, then please don’t show them).

The only thing that saves Clay Helton’s job is a Pac-12 title. Hell, that might not be enough.

Again, it’s football. No one makes well-reasoned decisions. How do you think USC got here in the first place?